How do you know what Polyamory is and whether it is right for you?
It is NOT for everyone. It is NOT for most. We as humans are jealous by nature - we are still animals through and through.
However, it is possible to transcend your inner demons and grow to the point where you can become a better person within your own eyes.
We all want to be loved and wanted and desired. Why do we feel as though the person we select should only be in love with or desire us only?
Is it the Barbie and Ken syndrome? Do women feel as though they are incomplete so long as they cannot completely own a man or woman as theirs alone?
What cannot be and is still in limbo with these concepts is that people desire sex. They desire love. What if the mate you chose is perfect in ALMOST everyway but lacks the one thing you need.
This could be romantic talks - more sex - you could be bisexual and need the touch and feel of a person of the same sex - it could be the fact that you desire to be held and massaged.
So do we break up with our lover - our companion and mate because of these things? Or do we fall into sync with the rest of the world and CHEAT on our mater? Most of us as sad as it is will fall into cheating. We will turn our backs and hide from the truth.
Is it that they do not make us happy? No. Most of the time the relationship is wonderful outside of the few lacking items.
Many women will complain that there is no "spark" left and will then look outside their relationship to fill the needs. Many men complain that the days are "routine" that sex is scheduled and never hot and heavy. SO they then go outside the marriage for the feeling of the new kiss or new sex partner.
What if we all tried to talk to one another and resolve these issue without saying hurtful things?
What if instead of saying "you dont satisfy me sexually emotionally or romantically", we say "I love you and want this to work, can we try to work on this together?"
One thing that many people on the outside think is that polyamory means that the person or people that you bring into your lives have to become another husband or wife and that love is the focus.
This is not always the situtation.
Poly = Multiple
Amory = Love or lovers
So Polyamory can be defined as having many loves or many lovers.
Love is love and sex is sex
If your mate satisfies you with your emotional needs, romatic needs, supports you and fullfills your needs - all but your sexual desires - you can still live a polyamorous relationship.
The keys are to be honest, communicate amd listen and understand. Just because your mate wants to bring a third into your bedroom for sex does not mean they no longer love or desire you. It is the fullfillment of a need that you cannot alone fill. They do not always have to have feelings for the person they are sexually involved with.
The fear of the attachment forming will always be there. But once again, communicate with one another and the person to tell them that the relationship is physical and nothing more.
Remember also that you are there with your partner and the other(s) together. Not alone with them. If we as humans could begin to see that honesty and understanding is more valuable that the relationship its self than I can only imagine how many marriages could be saved.
Here is some information from a Polyamory website I found:
Today's society gives us little in the way of choices when it comes to relationships. You're either monogamous or you're scum, cheating, not serious, playing the field. Well, like most of society's assertions, this is simply not true. Contrary to what some people have said, I do not think monogamy is "evil" or "bad", but it is NOT the only way and it is hardly the best. You can love more than one person, you can have successful relationships with more than one person at a time, and you can do it honestly and openly. Here are some of the basics to understanding and practicing polyamory:
Love:The nature of love, if what I experience is at all similar to what others experience, is not what the mainstream would have us think. Love is not exclusive; love does not require jealousy; love does not entail strict fidelity. I love all three of my parents, and loving one does not detract from loving the others. I love my sister (though I seldom admit it - ah, siblings...), my exboyfriend, my exgirlfriend, my lifemate, my plushies, my cats, and all in different and unique ways that do not interfere with each other. Romantic or pair-bonding love works the same way - why shouldn't it? Each person is different, and therefore you love them in a different way and for different reasons. They each inhabit a different plane in your heart, and the scope and number of those planes is limitless. Not to be clicheed, but love is like a magic penny - the more you give, the more you receive, and the more you receive the more you are able to give. People should be generous with their love, for it is an endlessly multi-splendored phoenomenon. Think of the heart not as a precious box containing a limited number of pearls, to be handed out frugally, but as an endless series of parallel planes, the boundaries of which are only determined by your personality, your available energy, and how much that energy is replenished by others. The possibilities are near-limitless.
Honesty:You have to be honest. You let each person involved know what's going on. And you have to be honest with yourself as well as your significant others; listen to your feelings and air them. I know from experience - keeping things to yourself out of fear that you will disrupt the status quo causes much more anguish than letting it out right there and then. Communication is what it's all about! If you can't tell your partner, then who can you tell? Be honest with your emotions; be honest with your feelings towards your partner; be honest with your feelings towards other people. So much unneccesary pain could be avoided if everyone did this, instead of pretending that they didn't have emotions that aren't utterly kosher in our world of absolute monogamous brainwashing.
Understanding: As in any relationship, compromises will be made. You need to listen and work out compromises if you run into problems. Polyamory isn't a be-all and end-all (though it's pretty darn close); when struggling with my partner about polyamory, I agreed not to seek out new relationships for the time being. This gave him the time he needed to feel secure, and eventually figure out poly for himself - today he's much more aggressive about seeking out other partners than I ever was! It can be so very hard to make a concession like that, but if you understand the other person you will know why it is necessary. And if you don't understand something, revert to basic #2 - honesty. Ask!
Boundaries: Chythar and I have agreed to tell each other if we're getting involved with someone else, and keep each other posted on the situation - a fairly simple task that is easily integrated into day-to-day chatter. We don't go on sudden one-night stands, either; if plans come up, we either consult the other person first or simply don't go. Some people don't want to hear about their other's relationships; others are polyfidelous, and have multiple partners but don't date anyone outside that circle. The variations are endless, and you need to work them out before someone does something they thought was okay, but the other person has a problem with. (I think that should be a rule for all relationships, monogamous or polyamorous.) And remember, straying from those agreed boundaries is dishonest - that's a breaking of trust, which is cheating. Polyamory does not give you ultimite license to do whatever you want, merely freedom to work outside the bounds of traditional monogamy.
Jealousy: Jealousy is one of the main stumbling blocks for would-be polyamorists in our culture. As I've observed, it has three main forms - fearful, neglected, and possessive. Nearly all jealousy, however, sprouts from insecurity.
Fearful jealousy is when the person is jealous out of fear that they might lose their lover. This is akin to not letting the nightingale out of the cage for fear it will fly away. This bases itself on the assumption that love with another person is a threat, and on a lack of confidence in how much your partner loves you. Because love is different for each person, love for someone else doesn't threaten love for you. If you were confident in the depth of love your partner has for you, you wouldn't be worrying about someone else replacing you. You are unique and wonderful, and if you were replacable you'd come with a warantee like other household appliances. Trust your partner, be honest and understanding, set clear boundaries - breakups occur not because someone else came along, but from other, internal problems. Anyone who uses "I've got someone else now" as an excuse is glossing over them.
Neglected jealousy is when someone who doesn't get enough love sees their lover giving attention to someone else. For instance, you feel your partner doesn't hug you enough, but you see them freely giving hugs to others. So you get jealous and attempt to curb your partner's relations with those others in an attempt to get more hugs, when all you really needed to say was 'hey, I need more hugs.'
Possessive jealousy is power play. They want to control and own their partners, and do their best to keep other relationships from developing. This is the most likely to turn abusive; some people don't even let their partners spend time with friends, or become jealous of the family pet. They keep their partner subservient and dependent on attention from them, and only them. Sometimes this grows out of fearful jealousy, and sometimes it's just the sign of an abusive relationship with an asshole.
